I ordered another book for myself online that is supposed to help me make sure I am not enabling his behavior. But now I am having issues with her, which I do not like, but it is just how I feel. Is there a safe place for us non ADHD spouses/partners to land with both feet on the ground without developing some sort of anxiety or stress disorder? She says she has genuine feelings. Acceptance...(acceptance doesn't mean you agree, it just allows you to be constructive in the reality of your life with him) This can really help you with staying at peace in your own spirit....There is nothing worse than being forced to do most all of the work in the marriage and being angry and miserable because we can't change another adult...Happy and tired? But he just thinks he deserves sex because that is the "deal" of marriage and doesn't see where he is the one who is the turnoff. Submitted by soontobemrs on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 23:02. I'm also married but a single parent, my spouse has ADD but can't seem to get around to trying meds. Expensive guitars in the home "office" that he HAD to have so he could concentrate? I caught him at cheating because there were too many signs of it and I had to somehow get into his phone which he keeps attached to him everywhere he goes. How their daughter was counting on him keeping his word. They where often talking and texting back and forth and there I was waving my hand, jumping up and down to get his attention and nothing worked. I also caught him smiling very strongly while on his computer in the morning which is something he's never done before. We are not legally married. How does one get past that anger? Thats OK if that is what makes him happy. Here's a thought. I have suggested that my wife take a gander at some of these post from the non-add spouse, that it might help her relate or feel "not" alone, but since this came from me she ignored it. He knows everything, right? It doesn't really matter WHAT it is because whatever it is, it is NOT you. I became angry and jealous of this situation and threatened to leave the marriage. You are likely not a nag nor are you over reacting. I wish so badly that I could get back into his phone or his  computer !! I'm still have mixed feeling about us and how this will be in say 6 months, but for now I'm trying to take things one day at a time...that's all I /we have anyway. He tries very hard. I won't go into what all that entailed, but we all know its a hell of a lot, and I do not exaggerate on the fact that I did EVERYTHING in regards to the children. Being so far away actually has given me more confidence to stand my ground. The way out of this is to come to grips with the idea that her ADHD impacts you more than she realizes, as well as communicate that you are both responsible for your relationship. I'm now exactly in the position you described in your post from back in 2010. When he has access to a computer, it's an obsession. It's two fold destruction. because if you ever have kids it will be you and the kids - he will be off doing his own thing that interests him and it won't be you or the family!!! For once I want to live my life for me and what I want. ADDer's cannot hide behind the diagnosis and expect improvement, but it is really scary to admit you have a brain disorder and step up and punch the ADD traits in the face. If there is a way to get your spouse to go to an ADHD coach you might have a chance working together. I'm not saying she's right to treat you this way, quite the opposite. You are me. Submitted by codrdave on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 10:06. No one should be treated like that. Submitted by TravelBug on Mon, 06/13/2016 - 11:32, Dear ThomsonR, My husband and aunt are ADHD, my father and other aunt are Bi-polar. The intense focus! But if it's only gonna affect her, I let her learn the hard lessons. However, if I were to turn the clock back to where you are now, would I do it again? I am sometimes in the need of direct reassurances or an adult response (not defensive and angry) and I don't always get that. There is a lot to keep track of, demands on time are greater, and resentment can build with taking on more than your fair share of the household and child-rearing duties. Submitted by Chris39 on Sun, 01/23/2011 - 12:00. Typically ADHDers can’t. He's still there, but would much rather be working in the field he studied for. The bashing has a time and place, and needs to be done and gotten over with so that things can move forward....but this won't happen until at least one person is willing to listen and acknowledge. I just happened to stumble accross this site in a desperate attempt to find some validation and support for what I have been dealing with for the last six months. I know he thinks he is being gallant but you can imagine what a rejection it feels like after THIS long. Submitted by cactus on Tue, 06/01/2010 - 05:59. So how do I deal with that??? They are probably nearly as tired of you and your ADHD behaviors as your wife is. In fact, I've got one up on you on this one:  he EMPTIED (stole) the kid's education fund that I had set up for them. I can only manage me. Then after years of ridicule, scorn no mater how hard I try to be like them through behavioral modification and "medicine" I've come to feel much more accepting of them. And he manipulates whoever I talk to. It probably isn't fair to your husband or co-workers because you are more likely to have bad breath. I dont know exactly what to do at this point, so any advice you can give would be great. It was a struggle at first for him when he got off the medication but after the first year, he started to do really well. But, at least I am accepted and appreciated for who I am. Her response was extreme in that she felt I was telling her to quit and not work at all (the farthest thing from the truth). Believe me. I'm one of the ones trying. Hi, cactus. I am a very affectionate person and strive for companiosnhip. However, if you genuinely are feeling suicidal, you need to connect with a doctor, therapist, suicide hotline or best friend and share your feelings and need for help immediately. on the other hand, the diagnosis can help you a lot. I am in the process of getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, 26 together from my husband who has ADHD. You start doing that, he will start to do the same. As you said, old habits die hard...for all of us. But he has to do it. The good news is that ADHD is not found in Heaven. I obviously can't rely on her in just about any way so, I can't consider her an equal in this marriage. I really like your approach to finances. I get tired of it. At the end of the day, I am a happy woman. ", Submitted by Buggirl on Thu, 11/28/2013 - 05:15, From the bottom of my heart I thank you for your words. No matter what she says, NO MATTER WHAT TONE you perceive, LISTEN..don't 'go there' and get pissed, put up walls, etc. Sometimes he can yell at me and lecture for 4 hours at a time. And if I can't ever say enough is enough, how can I cope with this. Hehe, I guess you must be indeed. ADDer's love "The Comfort Zone" and why leave it if you don't have to? At first I drove "home" every weekend but then felt bad for leaving him out as he didn't want to go and the kids did. He stopped taking meds when he got to junior high and he has been fine; good student, etc. I have two beautiful girls my husband went all through school and college and knew something was wrong, but just didn't know what. However, besides medication and simply 'talking' to my psychiatrist, I am still in the same condition I was when she left (and I'm now trying to overcome depression as well) and I still don't feel like I have the tools to overcome my stupid mind. You sound like a nice man and I believe you are contrite and truly love your wife. No problem. Like going out without me because I don't like how he fidgets in the car so he drives alone. Melissa, I don't believe I know how many children you have with this man and how many of those children have your husband's ADHD. I don't think he did it earlier in our relationship. Like living with anyone who has a disability, it takes time, patience, understanding, a sense of humor and a degree in detective work to follow up on every word they tell you. It might be too late for the two of you. I feel like a failed husband because I never realized her issue or understood the dynamics and complexity before. What's changed that the past 52 weeks just wasn't long enough? The ideas are explained so well. The criticisms my wife makes are true, I don't listen, I forget things, I dont pick up, I walk past things lying around, and sometimes I work so hard on these things so I don't make her mad, but Im not 100%. I am so deeply grateful that I did not pull the trigger on that 45 I had in my mouth...seriously...it really was my little dog's incessant barking (and howling) that distracted me. I am at wits end and feel such despair. Medications are working, but the maintenance of things aren't. I have gotten to the point where I do not talk about my day. Submitted by robinshusband on Sun, 05/30/2010 - 08:52. Actually, the job he has right now is the longest he's kept a job in the 20 years of our marriage, 3 whole years. I think since human behavior is such a sensitive subject...It might be best if you just took a moment to reflect and write down what you have viewed and experienced in being her husband....The things she gives time and attention to...And the things she doesn't give time and attention to...And the extra work her life has created for you....I would also share in the letter, the mental, physical, and emotional stress you are under because of it...The reason for the letter to begin with.... You know your situation....and yourself...But, to start this subject verbally without a third party to help keep emotions calmed and create an atmosphere of accountability isn't wise in most marriages....Also, I think I would stick to the reality of life pursuits initially....(What each of you feel is important)...Just to try and make sure y'all are on the same page with your mental priorities...It's very difficult to not balk and get defensive when someone (ESP...Your Spouse) tries to explain your problems to you....Hard to listen for content..LOL...But some times a kindly written letter or email can be digested over time...Especially if they desire to do better...(BIG POINT)...Some people are stuck in denial..."It's always someone else's fault"...Hopefully that want be the case with her....If she is accepting of the reality from the past two years and desires to make changes...That is great....But I think I would give my best and kindest effort by letter or email first based solely on the reality of the behaviors and what they are costing you both..Before I brought up add/adhd....Initially anyway....She may know she has it, (some are open about it, and some attach shame to it..) and she may bring it up once she reads your letter...And if it gets that far, I suggest you ask her if she has ever considered that she might have add?....Please stay away from diagnosing or making it into an accusation...Which I know you want...I just want to remind you about her feelings, and keeping your self mentally in her shoes...When we (males) try to relay our feelings to females, we most always are to direct, (to the point) and lack empathy...If it is add, there is nothing she can do to take it away...But, there is a lot she can do as far as awareness, and not letting it become an excuse for not managing her responsibilites in life.... Also personality plays a role in this...Some people will jump at every knew adventure or perceived  opportunity...But never finish much of anything....WE have to know who we are married to! It just seems like i'm dreaming for the impossible. I cannot say it has been worth it. I can feel your pain and applaud you for trying so hard. Submitted by adhd32 on Sat, 05/11/2019 - 07:43, Submitted by Alone on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 10:25. Marriage to people like this is just hell, and why add to the burden. He has been on business trips and the only thing I want when he comes home after a couple of days is to have "me time" away to collect my mind for a couple of hours. So I have given you a very long winded answer. Thank you, Submitted by jennalemon on Sat, 02/08/2014 - 18:38. This from a traveling salesman (his own very small business) who does not wear a wedding ring. I'm the calm one he listens and try's to compromise or pick my battles. Let me try to just cover some of the highlights if I can. It was just a fluke one night when he fell asleep before locking it. Thanks again for your comment and helping me to vent! Last night he broke up with me. That is a hard thing to do for normal men let alone someone with ADD/ADHD trying to read our spouses minds!! I'm from a great family and I am so blessed to have been given the life I have - just a preface to anyone who may be wondering about me (well maybe he's a complete jerk and deserved it!....I'm a teddy bear - I work hard and all I'd like is one or two vacations a year and some affection when I come home from work, that's it). Not only does this come down to the amount of work you're willing to do, the amount of compromises you can make, but it also depends on how she will take care of herself and be responsible for herself. Early on in our marriage I wrote my husband notes EVERY week day for close to two years. I have not been diagnosed, I don't want him to believe I am just looking at this as an excuse for my behavior and I don't know where to turn to find out if my hyper focused behavior, impulsivity and what for years I jokingly referred to as the "most disorganized, organized" person you will ever meet syndrome is really ADD or something else? No person in their right mind would ask for ADHD. After my second year of marriage, when he was diagnosed , still was a little frustrating because he quitted the treatment and the medical help. He has none of his own. Maybe because he figures it's only going to mke me feel worse because I think he knows I didn't get very far in my discoveries of what they were doing or saying. Am I feeling guilty and all my optimism is for naught? He never treated it and when I tried to bring it up, he became incredibly defensive and hostile. I would get out while you can!!!!! I am tired of being the one to hope and attempt to get on-on-one time with her. Our finances are also wreaked because she doen't understand when an emergency or vacation comes up you just can't keep charging it, you need cash. Continued prayers! How do I explain to my wife in a way which will allow her to understand why consistent, reliable connection will always be a struggle. My suggestion would be suggest marriage counseling again. This week I made a trip to my best friend (from high school) house. He is very affectionate, caring, and helpful and all. His family attacked me when I first arrived on the scene. Gosh, it was so good !! I am on the other end of the spectrum, I want more attention from my Non-ADHD spouse. ADHD tends to run in families so maybe your kids need to be seen also.

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